Angie wrote: I’ve always put a restriction on my teens that they cannot date someone who isn’t a Christian. And they know I prefer they choose people from our church. Well, my own words have come back to bite me. My daughter wants to date the pastor’s son, but he is bad news. I have no direct proof–just lots of rumors and mother’s intuition. But how can I go back to my daughter now and say that even the pastor’s son isn’t good enough? Am I being unfair to her and to him?
Great question, Angie. Let’s work backward through your issues. First of all, you don’t have to worry about being fair to the boy in this. That’s his parent’s concern. At this stage of your daughter’s life, your responsibility is to guide her, not sacrifice her safety, her reputation, and her dating decisions in efforts to be fair to a boy you don’t seem to know all that well. Just put that concern aside completely.
As for being fair to your daughter…yes, that is something you should consider, but lightly. Parenting isn’t a democracy, and life isn’t always fair. We have to do the tough things sometimes in order to do right by our children. I would recommend that fairness to your daughter be a secondary concern in this dilemma.
The Issue:
The primary issue here is whether or not you allow your daughter to date a boy who looks good on paper–goes to your church, son of the pastor–but who raises your motherly red flags for whatever reason.
No.
No, of course you don’t. However, it doesn’t have to be no, forever. You shouldn’t allow them to date until you:
- Have a talk with your daughter, and find out how serious she is about dating him.
- Have a talk with him, and be blunt about the rumors you’ve heard. Give him an opportunity to respond to them.
- Have a talk with his parents, and find out if they know all of what you’ve heard and what their response is to the rumors.
Gather your information, then pray. Ask God for wisdom. He’ll let you know exactly what you should do in this situation. You may find that the communication paves the way for truth which would have otherwise not been discovered.
