Lynn wrote: I have a twelve-year-old girl and an eleven-year-old boy. I think it might be time to talk to my daughter about sex, but my son is nowhere near ready. First of all, how early should I tell them about the birds and the bees? Secondly, how do I, or should I, shield the younger sibling from the conversations?
Ah! Great question, Lynn. First, allow me to quote from my upcoming book, Hot Buttons: Sexuality Edition, Kregel, 2012…
You have to be willing to tackle tough issues openly and honesty before they actually come up. That might feel uncomfortable when it comes to issues of sexuality—like you’re giving your pre-teen or teenager too much information, too soon. I mean, who really wants to talk to their thirteen-year old about oral sex? But you’ll see, through the course of this and all of the Hot Button books, why it’s not too early. In fact, you’ll see why earlier is far better than later.
Since the world is throwing temptation and sin at your kids at incredibly young ages— you’re never going to believe the statistics about kids and sexuality—you need to go after those tough issues even earlier than you think. If your daughter is going be interested in boys in seventh grade, she needs to learn about her body and temptations, and develop a plan for saying no while she’s in sixth grade. If she’s going to be pressured to have sex in ninth grade, teach her how to say no in eighth. If your son’s friends are going to be sexting and having oral sex at fourteen, teach him how to respect himself and girls far earlier than that.
Assuming your teens will make it through those issues and temptations unscathed without preparing them is like pushing them off a cliff hoping they’ll learn to fly before they hit the ground.
Honestly, these days, twelve is on cusp of too late. If I were you, I would run, not walk, to your pre-teen and start having these conversations. Start with the facts, then move on to the feelings and the temptations. Spell out exactly what she might experience by way of peer pressure, and tell her what her friends will be, or are already doing.
Pre-empting the shock value and peer pressure is a great way to combat the temptation.
As for your younger son, it’s by no means too early to talk to him. In fact, it’s the perfect time. You should have much the same conversations with him as you have with your daughter in the beginning. Eventually, you should steer your talks with your son to help him understand his body and what God says about resisting temptation. Also, talk a lot about how important it is to respect women.
In slow, calculated doses, with plenty of opportunity for them to ask lots of questions, both of them need to begin to understand things they’re probably already hearing about like:
- purity
- birth control
- physical responses
- sexuality
- teen pregnancy
- abortion
- oral sex
- STDs
- date rape
- sexting
- cyber sex
Those may not be comfortable things to talk about with your tweens and teens, but how much more uncomfortable would you be to find out they had those talks with their friends? And remember, these are not one-time talks about the mechanics of pollenization. These are ongoing discussions that will evolve as your pre-teens mature, and they’re vital to the purity, self-esteem, and future relationships of your kids.
Thanks for this! We told our daughters the facts at nine, making it a celebration of sorts–with high tea at a grand old restaurant and the Big Secret revealed…now that they were old enough. It was scary and hard, but such a great way to begin the conversation. Now that my son is 9, we’re struggling with if he’s ready or not. I think girls talk more than boys. But this encourages me to get onto the basic facts, at least. I’d rather he hear them from me or my husband than from another kid on the playground!
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I think you’re right, Lisa! Boys are better at giving clues as to when they’ve had enough, too. You’ll know when he’s done. He’ll cover his ears and stick out his tongue, or burp, or worse.
It’s an exciting time and, as parents, we have the opportunity to lay the foundation ourselves rather than to let the kids at school totally mess it up.
have fun!