I was 12 years old and had just returned home from Bible camp where the mosquitoes were as plentiful as the grains of sand on the lakeshore. As I became ill, it never crossed my mind that one of them were to blame. Days later, hospitalized, in and out of consciousness, enduring probes and spinal taps, I heard whispers of words I couldn’t pronounce and saw expressions I’d only seen at the one funeral I’d ever attended.
I had contracted encephalitis which is an infection and inflammation in the lining of the brain. To make a very long story short, I’ll sum it up to say that in lieu of dying, which had been a distinct possibility, upon recovery I had to face the fact that parts of my brain were ravaged. My thyroid, my hypothalamus, and some other things that regulate the metabolism and other such systems.
That summer, the summer before I started Junior High, I gained 40 pounds. When I walked into that new school for the first time, I felt like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal. But, unlike Gwyneth, I couldn’t take my fat suit off when I got home. It was horrible. They called me names and they laughed at me. Kids who had been my friends in years past now ignored me. It was such a rude awakening, and it instantly defined how I saw myself.
Those two years of Junior High created a foundation for a lifetime of self-esteem battles.
Then, entering high-school, puberty set in and my systems shocked back into somewhat of a working state. The weight came off, and I got attention for the exact opposite reasons as I had before. Now it was a new school, new attention, new friends–the NEW ME! That only solidified the subconscious realization that looks were the most important thing.
The physical battle wasn’t over, though. With each of my first three kids, I packed on the pounds and never lost them. Because of how my body works, it takes a ridiculous diet and hours of daily exercise for me to achieve a fit-and-trim state. But, about six years ago, I did just that. I fought the fight on a nearly zero-carb diet with an intense amount of exercise, and lost 140 pounds in just over a year. I felt great. Most of the time. But even as you see me in this picture, I still didn’t “get it.” I still saw myself in the fat suit.
It’s as much a mental battle as it is a physical one. I wore a nice comfy size four at that time, but I never reached for a four on the rack. I’d go for the 10 or 12, assuming that was my size. Invariably, I’d be shocked when the clothes fell off, and I had to go down sizes until they fit.
Over time it got easier as I got more and more comfortable in my own skin and began to shed some of the hangups I’d been carrying with me my entire life.
But it didn’t last long.
I remember the day very clearly. My husband and I watched the ultrasound screen as three babies wiggled around inside me. Pregnant. With triplets. What were my first thoughts? Joy? Gratitude? Excitement? Nope. My first thoughts were, “I’m going to get fat.” Immediately all of the mental anguish and self-esteem struggles I’d released flooded right back in and grabbed on tight. Then the doctor said, “I need to you to gain about 100 pounds.”
NO!
He explained why. The babies would be preemies. They needed lots of help. I understood that, and I’d do whatever it took to have healthy babies, but I agonized over what I knew would happen. The doctor promised I’d lose the weight. But he didn’t know my history and the battle I fight daily with food allergies, insensitivities, gluten struggles, etc–so I knew it wouldn’t be that easy. Guess who was right?
Okay…this all sounds so self-centered. I realize that. But I imagine there are many, many of you who struggle with body-image and self-esteem. I know the stronghold it can have on a woman. I’ve lived it my entire life and am in the throes of the battle yet again.
That’s what this column is about. It’s my commitment to myself and to you to get back to a place of health and fitness. It’s as much for my sake as it is for my family’s. It’s about proving that grit and determination, along with a healthy dose of prayer and surrender is enough to fight the battle. I’m not going to post here every day lamenting the mistakes I made the day before. I promise not to go on and on about food and recipes. What I want to do is just share the journey.
I believe that God is in control, and that I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. I guess I just want to prove that truth again in this issue that seems to have such singular control over my mind and body. And, in doing so, I want to help us parent our teen girls toward a healthy body-image and Godly self-esteem.
You with me?
And yes, I’ll post before pics soon. I just need a bit of progress first. Old habits die hard. 
Nicole O’Dell, founder of Choose NOW Ministries and host of Choose NOW Radio: Parent Talk and Teen Talk, is a youth culture expert who writes and speaks to preteens, teenagers, and parents about how to prepare for life’s tough choices. A mom of six, she’s author of YA fiction, including the popular Scenarios for Girls interactive fiction series and the Diamond Estates Series, and non-fiction for teens including Girl Talk, 2/1/12, which she wrote with her two daughters based on their popular advice column. Hot Buttons, O’Dell’s non-fiction series for parents helps pre-empt peer pressure by tackling tough issues. Visit www.nicoleodell.com for more info.
