This is the fifth Monday of the month and, though I usually post a Hot Buttons post on Mondays, I’m going to use today to crack open an issue we all face at some time or another.
Unforgiveness.
Mom. Dad. My request is that you’ll prepare your hearts and purpose your minds to face the mistakes your teens will make with love, acceptance, and understanding. No matter how much work you put into working through the Hot Buttons I give you, or how many hours of talking, praying, and guiding you do, your teen will mess up at some point. Expect it. Accept it.
Approach those mistakes as teaching opportunities and pray that God uses them according to His will. Don’t ask for them or fear them, but embrace them for the special kind of learning that only comes by walking through the fire.
Above all, guard your hearts against judgment and unforgiveness.
My father and I are estranged. We haven’t spoken in six years. I’m not going to get into the details of he said, she said. That part just isn’t important. However, I will talk about forgiveness.
In a family, you must be willing to apologize for your mistakes. But, you also must be willing to forgive even if the apology doesn’t come your way.
In my case, I’ve extended both my apology and my forgiveness to my father. More than once. There’s nothing more I can do. I can’t change a person’s heart–only God can. I can’t change a person’s mind–that, too, is up to God. I can’t change actions, beliefs, assumptions or expectations. I can only be obedient.
Unforgiveness is unloving and it hurts. But it defines the person who harbors it, not the person who seeks it. To put that another way, if you have apologized for your wrongdoing, you are free of your guilt. If the other person chooses not to forgive you, that’s not your fault. The best thing to do, in that case, is to protect yourself from feelings of resentment and bitterness by praying for the other person and laying the situation in God’s hands.
When it comes to raising teens there will be plenty of things to forgive. Prepare your forgiving heart now so it comes naturally when the need arises.
How have you dealt with an issue like this? Any words of advice to readers still steeped in unforgiveness in some way?
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Apologies and forgiveness are tough, especially for those unfamiliar with them. That's why I teach my children to do both, to care more about the other person's feelings and perceptions than being right or wrong, even when it doesn't make sense to them.
Prayers for you in this difficult relationship.
I’ve been estranged from my mother for over a year. We’ve been down this path before. I’m working through this but at this time, I have no plans to reconcile. I actually enjoy the peace in my life and I don’t miss the pain and confusion that she causes.
I also will not get into who said what, but I will share that I suffered abuse, some of it still affects me deeply today. I forgive her. I forgive her over and over again. I believe that forgiveness is an ongoing action in situations like this. Jesus prayed ‘as we forgive those’… I think of that a lot. As I forgive her, and keep forgiving her… because for me, that forgiveness has not settled into my heart and rooted.
I’m sorry to hear about this. So sad when families fall apart. Praying that forgiveness will settle in and take root. *Hugs*
I think your advice is great that all parents should prepare for the challenges of their kids choices and sins. If we are prepared, then we can respond instead of just react. Great stuff!
I have struggled with forgiveness as my parents are divorced. Every holiday, we have to navigate through the consequences of my parent’s choices and sins of the past. My kids are impacted by the 30-year old sins of their grandparents! My mom asked me to forgive her some time back. I did, but we still live with the reality of her choices and that can stir up the bitterness again. But I learned something about biblical forgiveness that helped.
Biblical forgiveness is not automatic forgiveness. God doesn’t automatically forgive everyone, only those who repent. (1 Jn 1:9) He is willing that none should perish, but repentance (if this is what you mean by “sorry”) is a necessary step. Like a handshake, forgiveness takes two.
Forgiveness is a commitment to drop it, but that doesn’t erase consequences. The goal of biblical forgiveness is to resolve conflict and reconcile relationships. This is why the process of forgiveness can take time in some situations. Christ is helping me see that though there are still consequences and reminders, I must remember my commitment to love my mom and recognize that my own sin has infinitely wronged God more than her sin has wronged me! Thankfully, by His grace, I repent and He forgives. I need to pass that grace along!
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