By: Nancy Rue
So, you have to break his heart? It’s okay. Nobody plans for it to happen.
Okay, I take that back. Some people do but they’re not you so why are we even talking about them? Nobody like you sets it up that:
- you develop a crush on a guy and then lose that feeling because, well, that’s what happens in the early boy-girl years
- you think you like a guy and YOU let him know, and then you see things in him that are so not what you have in mind for a boyfriend
- a guy likes you and, um, you don’t like him back, at least not the way he likes you
All of that is just plain old normal when guys and girls are first figuring out how to deal with each other, what they want in a relationship, whether they even want a relationship. But it definitely doesn’t feel natural to simply say, “In your dreams, pal,” and walk away without a thought to his feelings. That may not seem like a big deal to a guy when he’s the one doing it, but for somebody like you . . . . yeah, it requires some thought.
So here are some of mine when it comes to the Christian way to give a guy the bad news that you’re not into him.
Some do. Most don’t. It’s kind of like when you come to the dinner table puffy-eyed, tears streaming down your cheeks, and about the time dessert is served, your father looks at you and says, “Is something wrong?” Seriously? Guys your age are even more clueless because they just aren’t always as tuned in to other people’s emotions as a lot of girls are.
What’s really required of a Christian in your situation is that you love the boy.
Wait – hear me out. I’m not talking about pretending to like him when even the way he
chews his Big Mac turns you off. This kind of love has nothing to do with liking him. This is spiritual love. This is what that looks like:
- Do him no harm. Don’t gossip about him, tell everybody what a dork he is, laugh in the poor guy’s face (even if he behaves like a jerk)
- Realize that as a fellow child of God he deserves your basic respect. Don’t look at him like he’s invisible. Acknowledge his good points. Resist the urge to say, “Why exactly are you hanging around me?”
- Help him out if he needs it and IF you’re the one to do it. Squelch the false rumor everybody’s spreading about him. Let him know he’s about to sit in the ketchup some moron put in his chair. Pray for him.
Of course even if you make it clear that all of the above is stuff you’d do for anybody,
guys who are especially drawn to girls like you who are actually decent to them are not going to go away quietly.
That’s when that Face Off we’ve talked about in our last couple of posts comes into play. To review —
- Be honest though kind
- Tell him straight out that this thing he wants between the two of you just isn’t going to work out
- Avoid getting into why you would rather spend your Friday nights watching reruns on TVLand than hang out with him. He doesn’t need to hear, “You drive me nuts talking about your video games,” or “Seriously, it’s your breath.” Okay, if it’s because he’s a kleptomaniac or something you can say, ‘I can’t date you because you really need some professional help.’ Beyond that, don’t go there.
- Don’t wimp out and make excuses instead of saying, “You? Me? I’m sorry, but it can’t happen.” Excuses include things like, “My parents won’t let me hang out with guys” (if that isn’t true) and “I can’t see you because my best friend likes you” (even if she does). He really does deserve the truth, delivered to him by a Christian girl who is (supposedly . . . .) all about loving her neighbor as herself.
What if he doesn’t give up?
As we say here in the South: bless his heart. If that’s the case, tell him as often as you need to, and be sure you don’t do anything to encourage him. That can be a temptation. It doesn’t hurt your self-esteem any to have somebody swooning over you, especially if you’re having a bad zit day or something.
For those of you who are sensitive and hate hurting anybody’s feelings – as in you’d rather have your braces adjusted – it can’t be avoided sometimes. It’s not your fault that this guy likes you. Why wouldn’t he? You’re amazing. But even when you guard his feelings with everything you have, they’re still going to be hurt a little bit, just like yours are when somebody you’re crushing on makes it clear the feeling isn’t mutual. You can’t avoid that. But you can do a lot to make sure his ego isn’t completely smashed and he doesn’t end up thinking he’s a total loser.
Love others as well as you love yourself, Jesus said (Matthew 22:40, The Message). Who knew that commandment, one of the two greatest he gave us, would be so hard to follow? But it is a commandment, not a suggestion. So if you have to bruise a little masculine pride, do it the way you’d want it done to you.
And not to worry. He’s a guy. He’ll be fine by tomorrow.
Teen photo: www.sxc.hu/photo/622413
Nicole O’Dell, author of 23 books since 2007, founder of Choose NOW Ministries, host of Choose NOW Radio: Parent Talk and Teen Talk, publisher at Choose NOW Publishing and a national Christian event speaker, brings messages of hope to women, parents, teens, and tweens. The mother of six, including pre-school triplets, writes issue-driven YA fiction, like her popular Diamond Estates Series and upcoming Drama Ensues series, and non-fiction for teens like Girl Talk, based on the popular advice column she writes with her two daughters. Hot Buttons, O’Dell’s Focus-on-the-Family approved non-fiction series for parents, pre-empts peer pressure by helping parents tackle tough issues. ______________________________________
Angela Breidenbach is a captivating speaker and a coach in weight loss/nutrition. She’s the author of A Healing Heart, April 2013 from Abingdon Press in the Quilts of Love series. More books by Angela are Gems of Wisdom: For a Treasure-filled Life, Creative Cooking for Simple Elegance, and Creative Cooking for Colitis. Other works include compilations, devotionals, and countless articles. Muse (her dog-like cat) performs humorous antics on facebook and twitter.
The Lord has wrought miracles through the life of Takiela Bynum. Life’s circumstances ignited a blaze, and reduced her broken spirit to ashes. She has been restored from cremation and beautified with salvation. In her spare time Takiela enjoys spending time with her family, reading and writing. She desires to be chief among givers (philanthropist) offering money, time, knowledge, and resources that God may be glorified.
Valerie Comer is an author, speaker, and local-foods enthusiast who uses her platform to educate and inspire others. She is the author of A FarmFresh Romance series. She's also passionate about making the world a better place for her 3 delightful granddaughters. Her website and blog can be found at www.valeriecomer.com.
Lynn Cowell is an author and speaker for Proverbs 31 Ministries whose passion is helping moms become wise women who raise wiser daughters. For the past 10 years, Lynn has taught women and teens to discover the radical love of Jesus Christ and build an inner confidence that leads to smart choices. Lynn is the author of His Revolutionary Love, a book that helps girls develop a higher self-esteem by discovering Christ’s life-altering love. She also writes articles for popular magazines including, Susie Mag and Focus on the Family’s Thriving Family. Lynn is regularly featured in the Proverbs 31′s daily devotions, Encouragement for Today, which has an audience of over a half-million subscribers. In addition to being a popular speaker for women’s events, her “Revolutionary Love” conferences bring life-change to hundreds of girls each year all across the country. Lynn and her husband, Greg, have been married for over 24 years and are the parents of three teenagers. They enjoy spending time together, especially when it combines the mountains, well-worn sweatshirts, or anything that combines chocolate and peanut butter. Lynn and her family reside in Charlotte, North Carolina.
"I'm a wife, mom, author, speaker and follower of Christ. I'd describe myself in one word as 'PASSIONATE' and I believe that characteristic comes through in everything I write and speak about. I'm praying for every person who will read my books! Blessings to you from the Crosse home.
I was born 2 1/2 months early, weighed 3 lbs 2 oz, had dislocated hips and club feet. I had to wear casts on my feet, a harness and eventually a body cast. The abortion still affects me today. All that to say, LIFE IS STILL WORTH IT. I will not be silent because each mother and child are in the same place my biological mother, my twin and I were in 22 years ago and I am here to say THERE IS HOPE and there are options! Traveling and sharing my story was not something that I had planned for myself, but God proved to have better plans for me than I had for myself.
Shannon Deitz's work with teens led to a full-time youth ministry. Within the next four years, that ministry bloomed, allowing her to witness God’s amazing work in her church and her life. Having spread the message of God’s amazing love to thousands of teens, she eventually felt called to broaden the sphere of those with whom she shared her personal story. Shannon wrote Exposed: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him (Believers Press 2010) as a way of offering encouragement and hope to both teens and adults suffering from physical and emotional abuse.
As co-founder and author for If Then Movement, Wendy imparts powerful and compelling teaching through her writing and speaking. Wendy's presentation style will bring "the complete package" to your next event. With over a decade in full time ministry and a background in theater, Wendy naturally employs humor, drama and story-telling to communicate the deep truth of God's Word. Captivating audiences with her unique style, Wendy shares her passion for the Scriptures in a way that inspires, encourages and blesses each listener.
Why is this happening? What does God say about my impossible situation? Do I dare hope He has a plan? Does He even care? Having been through my own personal marriage crisis I remember having all these questions and more. My desire is to help women find hope in the desperate dark situations in their lives. To point them in the direction of the one who has all the answers. Together we can find encouragement in scripture, knowing that God holds all things in His hands.
With over twenty years of experience working with youth and families, and as the mother of three children, Dr. Tara Fairfield is a licensed psychologist with her doctorate from Northern Arizona University. She speaks on issues like forgiveness and identity and other needs that arise in youth as a result of separation, divorce, or family conflict as well as the warning signs your teen is in trouble.
Sara Goff runs a global charity she founded in 2010 called Lift the Lid, Inc., which supports underprivileged schools and encourages the students to write. In her late twenties, she walked away from her seven-year career as a fashion buyer/merchandiser in New York City to pursue her passion for writing and to somehow make a difference in the world. Since then, Sara has published on Crosswalk.com, Christian Fiction Online Magazine, and in Epiphany literary journal and the SoHo Journal. Sara is currently living in London with her Swedish husband of 14 years and their two sons, ages 0 and 5. Her first novel, I Always Cry at Weddings, is a New York City story about homelessness and unconditional love. It will be published this summer by WhiteFire Publishing. You can learn more about Sara and read her writing at www.saragoff.com.
Shelia Wray Gregoire
Sheila Wray Gregoire is a syndicated parenting columnist and a popular speaker. The author of four books, including The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex. She loves encouraging women to forget about the dust bunnies under their beds and keep their focus on Jesus! She also has a passion for family, and together with her husband Keith speaks at Family Life marriage conferences around the nation. You can usually find her in Belleville, Ontario, where she homeschools her two daughters and knits. Preferably simultaneously. You can find out more about Shelia on her website.
Montrealer Ann-Margret is an outgoing introvert with many creative hobbies and a zeal for "loving God and loving people" (Luke 10:27). She writes full time (as a journalist, author and blogger) but is also active in women’s ministry, evangelism and missions. She recently returned from her second three-week mission trip to Armenia, her ancestral homeland. Ann-Margret's fourth devotional book for preteen girls, Truth, Dare, Double Dare (Cook) was released on October 1.
Youth minister's wife and cheerleading coach Bethany Jett began her public speaking career while still in high school, traveling the county teaching abstinence-education to sixth graders. Bethany's passion for teens and young adults is evident in her writings as a double-columnist for Choose Now Ministries, as well in her book, The Cinderella Rule: a young woman's guide to happily ever after. Bethany speaks to ladies of all ages on a myriad of topics, always keeping God's standards at the heart of her messages. Bethany is a writer and speaker, as well as Sunday School teacher, Bible study leader, cheerleading coach, and mother of three adorable little boys.
Sherri Wilson Johnson
Sherri Wilson Johnson is an inspirational romance novelist, speaker, former homeschooling mom, and women's ministry leader who loves to share God with others while sharing her life experiences with them. She loves to laugh and make others laugh, and she's passionate about purity and sexual integrity and living on a shoestring. Sherri is available to speak to audiences of teen girls, college girls, women, and homeschool moms at conferences, retreats, or women's ministry events throughout the U.S. Topics include marriage, dating, sex, purity, modesty, living on a budget, writing, and grief. Sherri is the author of To Dance Once More and Song of the Meadowlark as well as an upcoming novel with Choose NOW Pubishing. www.sherriwilsonjohnson.com
Amy Joob has been in the modeling and acting industries for 12 years with numerous national print campaigns and parts in movies like Oceans 11 and more. Amy is currently contracted with Met-Rx Sports Nutrition as a Fitness Model and Product Specialist and is actively touring the country, speaking to a variety of audiences.
Laura Anderson Kurk bets she has more cringe-worthy teenage moments than you and she’s willing to share them all to make you feel better. She’s the author of the YA novel Glass Girl and its upcoming sequel Perfect Glass. She lives in College Station, Texas with her husband, two ginger-headed kids, and 50,000 college students. Visit her at her blog Writing for Young Adults or on Facebook and Twitter!
J. Alden Hall
J. Alden (Jim) Hall was a successful businessman for many years before committing to full-time Christian Ministry in 1992. His involvement and close connections with members of the Chicago Mafia brought his name and businesses up before a special “Organized Crime Task Force” (OCTF). He became a target of the OCTF, and in 1982 was sentenced to 3 ½ years in federal prison. It was there his life changed. After his release, Dr. Bruce Wilkinson, the founder of Walk Thru the Bible Ministries, persuaded him to work with his organization. Jim’s speaking credentials were enhanced by his role as Vice President of the well regarded Seminars and Training Division of that ministry. Jim served Walk Thru for fifteen years when he left to write his memoir and become a consultant and speaker in both Christian and non-Christian settings. The uniqueness of his story, is more than a magnet that draws people to it, it delivers a power message aimed at life change.
Pastor Jason Lane currently serves as the lead pastor at Skyway Community Chapel in Palmetto, FL. His heart is one that loves to serve and develop other people. God has given him a great desire to help men become the men God intended them to be. He is founder of mr. ministries™ which goal is to help men to resume the role for which God created them.. He believes his greatest ministry is to his family and is proud to be married to his wife, Elizabeth and to be the father of Isaiah, Elijah, Rebecca, and Ezra.
Jill Hart's entrepreneurial career began in her teens when she spent a summer working with her father who ran his own business. When he put her in charge of a Coke machine and allowed her to keep the profits, she saw the benefits of being her own boss. She is the founder of the popular Christian work-at-home website, CWAHM.com. Jill a contributing author in several books and co-author of So You Want To Be a Work-at-Home Mom. Jill also has articles published in In Touch Magazine, Focus on the Family’s Thriving Family Magazine and P31 Woman magazine, as well as across the web on sites like DrLaura.com.
Choose NOW author, speaker, and columnist, Jennifer Maggio, shares the trials and triumphs of single parenting in her Choose NOW Column: On Single Parenting. Maggio is a national speaker and the founder of The Life of a Single Mom Ministries.
I am Wil O’Dell, a worship leader, songwriter, and artist. I am also a busy husband and Dad to six (including my six-year-old triplets!) I am the Vice President of Choose NOW Ministries and I serve on the writing team. Other than music and worship related topics, some of the other things I talk about in my Choose NOW blog include leadership, spiritual growth, parenting, men's issues, and more. Please visit me at www.wilodell.com for more.
Lyn Parker began writing in elementary school where she found her passion for creating worlds where she would like to live and travel. Her desire to write was put on hold as she began to raise and homeschool her eight children and has graduated four of those students through homeschooling. Lyn resumed writing in 2005 when she decided to return to college. She graduated in 2008 from the University of Northern Colorado in Greeley with a Bachelor of Arts degree in journalism and a minor in writing. The passion the Lord has given her has been the motivation Lyn needed to pursue writing her first three-book Christian fiction series (due to be published in April!). Lyn, her husband and six of her children reside in northern Colorado. Visit www.lynparker.com for more info.
Dori Powledge Phillips
Dori Powledge Phillips is a wife, mother, speaker, and the author of A Love Greater than Death -- but most importantly, she's a Jesus girl. As a result of a life-altering tragedy, she experienced the true meaning of overcoming and all it encompasses -- freedom, healing, recovery, and restoration. It is now her heart's desire to encourage others to live an overcoming life through the power of the Cross. With God, all things are possible! Visit www.doripowledge.com for more info.
I have eleven books published with more on the way, and I struggle with balancing my writing and law career, plus being a good mom and wife. I often fear people won't like my books. I've walked through the deep pain of miscarriage. See, I'm really just like you – I don't have it all together and have gone through tough times. But in His strength, I've discovered a strength I never knew I had. A strength I want you to discover, too.
Steve Repak, CFP®
Steve Repak, CFP®, is an Army veteran, transformational speaker and consultant. Steve was selected the 1995 Fort Bliss, Texas Non Commissioned Officer of the Year and graduated Summa Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Science in Management Communications from Amridge University. He now works for himself as a successful Certified Financial Planner™ in Charlotte, North Carolina, where he lives with his wife and three children.
Laura L. Smith
Laura L. Smith writes real stories and speaks about real issues for real girls to give them a voice, a sounding board, a place to start. Her young adult novels include Skinny, Hot, Angry, It's Complicated and It's Over. She is featured as a columnist on Choose Now www.nicoleodell.com writing about true beauty and on the Playlist Fiction blog www.laurasmithauthor.com. She has spoken to multiple sororities, college classes, high schools, youth groups and Bible studies. For more info on her speaking schedule, resume and video clips visit http://www.laurasmithauthor.com/speaking.html
Nate Stevens is a “missionary kid” who grew up in a Christian home and church. He has enjoyed a 30-year banking career in a variety of leadership roles. He writes online devotions for Christian Devotions Ministries, devotions for his home church (Calvary Church in Charlotte, NC), and is a monthly contributor to www.singlematters.com. His book, Matched 4 Marriage – Meant 4 Life is available at all major book retailers.
Betsy St. Amant
Betsy St. Amant has a heart for three things - chocolate, new shoes and sharing the amazing news of God's grace through her novels. She lives in Louisiana with her adorable story-telling young daughter, a collection of Austen novels, and an impressive stash of Pickle Pringles. A freelance journalist and fiction author, Betsy is multi-published in Contemporary Romance. Betsy enjoys inspirational speaking, teaching the craft of writing, and can usually be found somewhere in the vicinity of a white-chocolate mocha.
Vicki Tiede is an inspiring Bible teacher, conference speaker, and author. Her passion is to open the Scriptures with women in order to share God's grace and enduring faithfulness. Vicki transparently relates life experiences that resonate and draw others into a lifelong pursuit of knowing God. Her candor and humor are a delight to her audiences, who feel like they've met a new friend moments after she begins to share a glimpse into her life. Vicki consistently points her audiences back to God's Word and presents fresh insights into the Scriptures.
Brenda L. Yoder, MA
Brenda is a writer and speaker whose passion is encouraging women when life doesn’t fit the storybook image. She has a Master’s Degree in Clinical MentalHealth Counseling and a BA in Education. After being a stay-at-home-mom and teacher, she currently is a school counselor and has a small private counseling/coaching practice. She was awarded the “Powerful Connection” award for teachers in 2003 & 2004. She is a contributing writer for The Purpose Magazine, Not Alone Mom, Parents Space, 10 to 20 Parenting, and Choose NOW Ministries and speaks to women throughout the country. Her ministry of encouragement, Life Beyond the Picket Fence, can be found at www.brendayoder.com, where she authentically shares faith and life beyond the picture-perfect image. Brenda lives on a farm in Northern Indiana with her husband and four children.
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