Gemma wrote: I’m Grandma to two beautiful teenage girls. I’m writing because I just don’t know what to do. The youngest, Sonya, told me that her older sister has a boy over to the house most afternoons while their single mom is at work, but Sonya won’t tell her mom for fear her sister will hate her. I’ve tried talking with my daughter (their mom) about it, but she tells me that Sonya is only trying to stir up trouble, and that Erin is completely trustworthy. My daughter doesn’t believe–or doesn’t want to believe–that what Sonya says is true. Something tells me it is true, though. But what can I do? I live in Northern Wisconsin and they live in Kentucky. I feel helpless, but there’s a chance I’m wrong. Should I let it go?
Well, first of all, thank you so much for writing. I don’t recall ever having a grandma write in before–and I think it’s fantastic that you’re reaching out for help with your teenage granddaughters even though you’re several states away from them.
Many people would say this is none of your business. Others would tell you that no matter what, it’s not going to change anything because Erin will find another way to sneak around if she’s motivated. They’d probably be cynical that your daughter will ever be able to deal with the situation since she’s having trouble with this one.
I can see those points, actually. I mean, you can do everything you can, but ultimately it’s going to be up to your daughter to guide her girls toward wise decisions. However, I don’t think it’s time to give up on her, yet. She’s a tired single mama and needs a wake-up call.
Is there any chance you could move there? I’m sure you’ve thought about that and I sure don’t want to place and guilt or sense of obligation on you–this isn’t your fault. But if you were in a position to move to a nearby location so you could step in and offer more support to your daughter and more time for your granddaughters–meaning less time they have home alone, that would be ideal. But, assuming that’s not a possibility, I have five steps for you to take, and this is what I would do if I were in your very difficult position:
1. PRAY. Pray for wisdom and guidance for yourself and for an open mind for your daughter. Also, obviously, pray for safety for your girls.
2. Reach out to your daughter again. Try emailing or calling her at work. With the possibility that someone else may be nearby to overhear, she might talk less and listen more.
3. Talk to the Erin. Let her know that you know what’s been going on.
4. Pick up a copy of my Hot Buttons Dating Edition and work through the Strategic Scenarios with both Erin and Sonya on the phone.
5. If all else fails, it may be time for a surprise visit to Kentucky, timing your arrival at approximately 4pm on a Tuesday.
This is a serious time in these women’s lives. Your daughter needs help–she’s swimming upstream and doesn’t even know it. Erin is headed down a dangerous and painful road if she isn’t re-routed in a hurry. And Sonya is getting bad examples thrown at her from every direction.
You’re right to want to do something, Grandma!
Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (I Peter 1:13, ESV)
Anna wrote: My sixteen-year-old daughter really resents that I enforce a bedtime. She’s to be in bed, lights out, by 10pm each weeknight. There are exceptions made for school events or special occasions, but I’d say 19 out of 20 days, I hold her to the bedtime. You should know, she’s a real grouch when she doesn’t get enough sleep. But she thinks I shoudl let her manage her own sleep schedule. What do you think?
You know, Anna, I’m a pretty strict mama bear. I tend to micromanage things and can really relate to your question. Trust me, I know how hard it is to let go when it comes to issues that we just KNOW we know best. We’re looking out for our kids best interest, and we know we’re right.
When it comes to something like this, though, I let go. I figure that part of my job as a mom is to give my kids wings to fly and room to explore choices on things that aren’t going to affect them long term. My oldest daughter is 14. She has a bedtime of 11 pm just for the sake of me being able to send her to bed when necessary, but she often makes her way to her room long before that. Many people would feel that 11 is way too late for a teen, but when given the opportunity to be responsible, they often are!
In relaxing the bedtime restrictions, I have a few rules:
1. Grouchiness in the morning will get you sent to bed by 9.
2. A drop in grades means all bets are off and bedtime is back.
3. If I feel like you’re taking advantage, we revisit the issue.
See what I did there? <grin> I let go, but reserved the right to grab the reins back whenever I necessary Works for me!
Alice wrote: I have to tell my daughter she isn’t going to be able to go to the homecoming dance this year. She’s been so excited, even has her dress all picked out and half the money saved for it. Problem is, it also happens to be the night of her grandparent’s surprise 50th wedding anniversary party in another state. Yes, she’d rather be at the homecoming dance, but with relatives coming in from all over the country–and one from Europe, actually–and her grandparents celebrating such an important milestone, I can’t let her miss it. And she’ll understand–she won’t like it, but she’ll handle it fine. Or should I let her stay back with a friend’s family so she can go to the dance? What do you think?
Oh boy, I totally get this. I feel the same way as you. I don’t like disappointing my kids at all. My teenagers are such good girls, I hate seeing that look on their face, especially when they’re trying to be brave and not cry or holding back their frustration out of respect. That kind of poise makes me want to throw my arms around them and give them whatever they want. :0)
Okay, couple of things to address in your question. First, should you let her go to the dance and miss the anniversary party? Based on what kind of party it is, and the closeness it sounds like your family enjoys, no, I don’t think she should miss it. Yes, the homecoming dance is important, but celebrating with her grandparents and the rest of the family far supersedes a high-school dance. In my opinion, anyway.
The pictures, memories, joy…it’s too much to miss out on, even if she doesn’t see the value in those things quite yet. In a few years, when she must say goodbye to her grandparents, she’ll be ever so grateful to have given them this honor.
The other thing you talked about deals with disappointment in general. Sometimes it’s just part of our job as parents to allow our kids to face grief, loss, anger, sadness, and, of course, disappointment. It’s part of the training they must receive before they’ll be able to thrive as an adult.
Teens who never hear the word “no”…well, plain and simply…are brats. They act like spoiled brats today and will be the same as adults. They’re the type who feel entitled and who step on others to get what they want. They’ve been raised in a gimme-gimme-gimme culture and don’t know how to deal with life’s setbacks.
In your case, the no is a valuable tool. Your teenager has to sacrifice something in order to obey you, honor her grandparents, and show love and respect to the extended family…it’s awesome. She might not like it, but my prayer is that she’ll handle it well and realize before the party is over that it was the right thing to do.
What about you? How have you helped your teenager deal with disappointment?
Paula wrote: I have a fifteen-year-old son and a seventeen-year-old daughter. I’ve raised them in the church and have pretty much lived a good example in front of them as best as I could. There have been some mistakes along the way, but I’ve really tried to stay on the path I know God has called us to walk.
Problem is my daughter is questioning everything.
Well, that’s not even accurate. A year ago she was questioning, now it’s more like abandoning everything she’s been taught. Her friends and other people she’s met have systemically dismantled every single truth that is basic to the Christian. Things like salvation, resurrection, creation, the power of the Holy Spirit, the battle between good and evil, etc. She says that she believes there are many roads to “Peace and light in eternity” as she says it. It seems like she’s developed some kind of conglomeration of beliefs that come from the major religions–except Christianity. She claims Christianity is the only intolerant religion.
Amberlyn wrote: My sixteen-year-old daughter has been so depressed lately. She feels ugly. She feels like she just doesn’t fit in. She’s not one of the popular girls. She doesn’t have the best clothes. She’s way too tall. She’s ugly. These are all things I hear from her all the time. While I understand the truth about who she is in Christ, what can I do to get her to change the way she sees herself?
Thanks so much for writing with this Amberlyn. I love this question. First of all, it shows that you understand how teenage girls think and why it’s so difficult to have a positive self-image these days. Secondly it tells me that you are willing to do what it takes to put your daughter in the right direction, steer her away from the opinions of her friends and the expectations of the world, and turn her on to the truth of who she is in Christ.
So let’s get busy!
Here are six ways you can help your daughter love herself the way, Christ loves her:
1. Show her this video
I didn’t make this video, but the truth within it cannot be overlooked. Right here you’ll be able to show your daughter that beauty, even to the extent of supermodel beauty, is a fallacy. It just doesn’t exist.
This is a show I did it with a Hollywood model who currently works in the modeling and acting industries. She has learned so much and is launching an anti-Cosmo campaign because she wants to teach girls the truth about Hollywood, the truth about expectations, and the lies that are found within everything Hollywood wants girls to believe.
3. What do you Think of Me? Why do I Care?
I have a copy of this book here that I’ll give away to one of the commenters to this post a week from today. This is a great way to look deep inside to find out why we give other people’s opinions so much importance. What it is about those opinions that we cling to and why do we care out it’s a great book for her to read it’s one I would recommend the 2 of you read together you can hear author Ed Welch, right here on Teen Talk Radio and you could win a copy of the book right here on this post just by leaving a comment
4. Communication
I know she’s a teenager, and I know were talking about how her friends think about her, but a lot of a person’s self-esteem starts at home. How much time have you two been spending together lately? Has there been a change in the home or any other reason her confidence would be rocked a little bit? Maybe a little extra time together over the coming weeks talking about those things, feeding into her soul, filling her love cavities, if you will, with time with mom. . .I think that would be a great step.
5. Make the Word the Way
There’s tons of truth in the Bible about how God sees each one of us, and while that truth exists, it doesn’t change the fact for a teenager that they want to be accepted by their friends as well as by God and family. We have to show how God feels about her, but we also have to remind her why it’s is way more important, way more lasting than any type of acceptance or approval rating from her classmates. We need to devalue the way others look at her–and that book I mentioned in number four is a great way to do that–but now we need to add value to the way God sees her.
6. Pray together
I’m serious about this one. There is nothing more uniting and solidifying than joining hands and going before the Lord in prayer. Letting her hear you say, “Please Lord, show my beautiful daughter who she is in You, and show her how I feel about her. Teach her the truth about the beauty within her that far exceeds any beauty judged by others on the outside. Let her inner beauty radiate through her and be an example of You to all those around her.”
Words like that can make all the difference in the world we want to build her up with self-respect, self-esteem and confidence, but we want it to be in the right things. . .not wardrobe, not appearance, not hairstyle, not bodyweight. Those things are fleeting, and will fail her in the end. Therefore, we want to point your daughter, and the daughters of all of the readers here on this website, down the right path, chasing after the right things.
What other suggestions do you have on this subject?
Sheila wrote: I’ve always been pretty sure about what I’d allow with my kids. I vowed never to allow my teenage daughter to have a cell phone until she could pay for it herself or until she was at least sixteen. I wasn’t going to put up with her texting and being on the phone all the time. A few months ago, for various reasons, I caved. I gave in and got her a cell phone. It doesn’t have an internet package, but it does have unlimited texting–and believe me, she uses it. Now I have exactly what I wanted to avoid: a daughter with her eyes glued to a cell phone display. I’d like to take it back and reverse my decision, but I don’t know if I can. It’s not her fault I caved on my position. Is it fair for me to penalize her for it?
Oh, man. I’m going through a very similar thing. I think all parents face this dilemma at one time or another. It’s unavoidable because we’re human beings. We make mistakes, and we learn from them. Ultimately, you have to be the best parent you can be. If that means you learn from a mistake and have to reverse a decision you made, so be it. Your goal isn’t to be “fair” to your teens, and it isn’t even to be to their friends. Your number one priority has to be that you do your very best to raise them the way you feel God is leading you.
Usually, this column is based on a reader’s question. But this time, since so many of you had similar questions, I decided to put the answers together into this list.
These are ten ways you can make this year better for your family than last year was. Perhaps you’d like to pick one or two and make them your resolution for 2012.
1. Be a Model
Are you modeling the kinds of behaviors and attitudes you expect from your family members? It’s confusing when parents tell teens to show respect, but then they disrespect their own parents or others. Yes, teens should be obedient, but the idea of ”do as I say, not as I do” is a death blow to parent-teen relationships.
And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. Titus 2:7
2. Pray Together
So many families never pray together or for each other at all. This is a sad fact and most likely a contributing factor to the mammoth divorce rates. The practice of prayer should start at the top. If you’re married, you need to be praying with your spouse. Hearing your husband or wife praying for you will unite the two of you like little else. Next, you should pray as a family. Share needs and pray out loud for each other. Thirdly, as a parent, you should pray with and for your individual kids.
For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them. Matthew 18:20
3. Be Consistent
It takes a lot of work to be a consistent parent. Saying what you mean, meaning what you say. . .and then following through, are the benchmarks of consistent parenting. Inconsistencies usually arise when parents speak with overstatements (you’re grounded forever) or empty threats (get home now or you’re dead). Avoid talking like that because it’s confusing. Kids need to know what to expect from you, they need to understand consequences, and they need to see consistent follow through so they can trust your words and promises.
Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. John 17:7
4. Laugh Often
Think hard, when is the last time you laughed with your teens? If it was yesterday, great, but be sure to be intentional about making today fun. If it was last week, you definitely need to bring more lighthearted fun and silliness into your home. Teenagers are smart, though. They know when you’re being disingenuous. So, be sure you’re authentic and allowing levity to develop organically as you lighten up.
Notice I didn’t mention the moodiness of your teens. Trust me, I know it exists. But the mood is often set by you, whether you realize it or not. If you expect your teenager to enter the house in a grumpy mood and steer clear, it only perpetuates the grumpiness. When I sense a mood like that from one of my kids, I stop us in our tracks and pray for them.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” Psalms 126:2
5. Communicate
This is so important. Miscommunication or lack thereof leads to misunderstandings and division. Families need to have good communication skills and a commitment to make time for each other. When your teen (or spouse) wants to talk, stop what you are doing and make eye contact. When one of my kids approaches me, I often have to close my computer to show that I’m truly listening. When you respond, be positive and encouraging so your teen will be more likely to come back for more. Focus on successes, and personal interests, not failures or mistakes. Share personal examples or stories only when it seems your teen wants to hear them. Don’t push or prolong the experience to the point of annoyance. Watch for the eye roll and then stop.
Remember, Mom and Dad, you want to know what’s going on your teens’ mind. You can only accomplish this is you’re listening well.
A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Proverbs 17:27
6. XOXOXOXO
Have you hugged your kids today? I’m serious. Think about it. Do days go by where your teens have no physical contact from you? Humans crave touch. In fact, it’s medicinal. When my mother-in-law was unconscious in the hospital, my husband and I were amazed that every time he covered her hand with his, her heart rate settled dramatically. Your teens respond in the same way, even if they don’t show it in the moment. Nothing you do can say, “I love you,” quite like a hug. Oh, except actually saying, “I love you.” Be sure to do that, too.
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. John 13:34
7. Be Generous
Generosity isn’t only putting a check in the offering plate as it passes by. True generosity of spirit manifests itself in so many ways. Ultimately, it involves putting the needs of others ahead of your own needs and wants. Your teens watch for this kind of behavior in their parents and it is often the deciding factor that guides them to either a selfish or generous existence.
What is the last act of kindness or charity your family has participated in or initiated?
One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered. Proverbs 11:24-25
8. Go Unplugged
What about a day of the week, or a weekend every month, where you turn off all forms of electronic entertainment in your home? This means no television, video games, computers, electronic games, etc. I promise, if you do this, numbers 2, 4, 5, and 10 will be far easier to accomplish because you’ll have much more #10!
Do not love this world nor the things it offers you. . . 1 John 2:15
9. Experience True Joy
Joy is different than laughter or fun. It comes from deep within; it’s a gift from God. Do you take joy in your family members? Do you like them as well as love them? If you’re in a rut where you’re bickering a lot or finding yourself annoyed with your kids, consider that the joy may be a missing component of your home.
Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10
10. Give Time
There is no substitute for time spent together. Have you fallen for the lie that quality is better than quantity? Quality time is important, sure, but quantity is vital. Many families are wading through their days barely connecting with each other as they pass in the halls, or worse, the garage as they come and go.
Prove to your family members they are your number one priority and that you enjoy them by giving them quantity AND quality time.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21
What can you add to this list? What make your home a happy one?
Abby wrote: Seriously, this whole Santa thing burns me up. Why should I spend all this money on gifts and give Santa the credit for them? I want to see my kids’ eyes light up at me, because it’s my hard work that put those presents under that tree.
LOL. I have said very similar things over the years. In fact, when I was young and first learned the truth about Santa, I immediately realized what my mom had done. I remember the conversation I had with her. I asked her if it bugged her that she had to buy the stuff and do the shopping, but then didn’t even get a thank you. Of course, her answer was that our joy was thanks enough. When I became a mom, I thought I’d feel the same way, but. . .um. . .not so much. lol
I have a lot of concerns about teaching my kids about Santa, not just him getting the credit for the best gifts, so I don’t really. I don’t do a lot to dispel anything they pick up elsewhere, but I don’t do a lot to perpetuate the issue here at home. This year, the triplets are three and I don’t tell them Santa’s coming. . .I tell them it’s Christmastime and we’re celebrating the birth of Baby Jesus. I don’t have a ton of Santa type decorations, and I put a lot of focus on the nativity. (And I often find an extra Dora the Explorer or plastic giraffe has joined them in the stable.)
On Christmas Eve, we’ll exchange gifts as is our tradition. We’ll save the one special gift that I’ve selected for each child for Christmas morning. They’ll be excited to wake up to the gift, but the focus will be on Jesus’ birthday, not “look what Santa brought.”
Merry Christmas!
Luke 2:9-12
And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, “Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger.”
How about you? How do you handle the issue of Santa Claus in your home? What are your special traditions?
Lynn wrote: I have a twelve-year-old girl and an eleven-year-old boy. I think it might be time to talk to my daughter about sex, but my son is nowhere near ready. First of all, how early should I tell them about the birds and the bees? Secondly, how do I, or should I, shield the younger sibling from the conversations?
You have to be willing to tackle tough issues openly and honesty before they actually come up. That might feel uncomfortable when it comes to issues of sexuality—like you’re giving your pre-teen or teenager too much information, too soon. I mean, who really wants to talk to their thirteen-year old about oral sex? But you’ll see, through the course of this and all of the Hot Button books, why it’s not too early. In fact, you’ll see why earlier is far better than later.
Since the world is throwing temptation and sin at your kids at incredibly young ages— you’re never going to believe the statistics about kids and sexuality—you need to go after those tough issues even earlier than you think. If your daughter is going be interested in boys in seventh grade, she needs to learn about her body and temptations, and develop a plan for saying no while she’s in sixth grade. If she’s going to be pressured to have sex in ninth grade, teach her how to say no in eighth. If your son’s friends are going to be sexting and having oral sex at fourteen, teach him how to respect himself and girls far earlier than that.
Assuming your teens will make it through those issues and temptations unscathed without preparing them is like pushing them off a cliff hoping they’ll learn to fly before they hit the ground.
Honestly, these days, twelve is on cusp of too late. If I were you, I would run, not walk, to your pre-teen and start having these conversations. Start with the facts, then move on to the feelings and the temptations. Spell out exactly what she might experience by way of peer pressure, and tell her what her friends will be, or are already doing.
Pre-empting the shock value and peer pressure is a great way to combat the temptation.
As for your younger son, it’s by no means too early to talk to him. In fact, it’s the perfect time. You should have much the same conversations with him as you have with your daughter in the beginning. Eventually, you should steer your talks with your son to help him understand his body and what God says about resisting temptation. Also, talk a lot about how important it is to respect women.
In slow, calculated doses, with plenty of opportunity for them to ask lots of questions, both of them need to begin to understand things they’re probably already hearing about like:
purity
birth control
physical responses
sexuality
teen pregnancy
abortion
oral sex
STDs
date rape
sexting
cyber sex
Those may not be comfortable things to talk about with your tweens and teens, but how much more uncomfortable would you be to find out they had those talks with their friends? And remember, these are not one-time talks about the mechanics of pollenization. These are ongoing discussions that will evolve as your pre-teens mature, and they’re vital to the purity, self-esteem, and future relationships of your kids.
Angie wrote: I’ve always put a restriction on my teens that they cannot date someone who isn’t a Christian. And they know I prefer they choose people from our church. Well, my own words have come back to bite me. My daughter wants to date the pastor’s son, but he is bad news. I have no direct proof–just lots of rumors and mother’s intuition. But how can I go back to my daughter now and say that even the pastor’s son isn’t good enough? Am I being unfair to her and to him?
Great question, Angie. Let’s work backward through your issues. First of all, you don’t have to worry about being fair to the boy in this. That’s his parent’s concern. At this stage of your daughter’s life, your responsibility is to guide her, not sacrifice her safety, her reputation, and her dating decisions in efforts to be fair to a boy you don’t seem to know all that well. Just put that concern aside completely.
As for being fair to your daughter…yes, that is something you should consider, but lightly. Parenting isn’t a democracy, and life isn’t always fair. We have to do the tough things sometimes in order to do right by our children. I would recommend that fairness to your daughter be a secondary concern in this dilemma.
The Issue:
The primary issue here is whether or not you allow your daughter to date a boy who looks good on paper–goes to your church, son of the pastor–but who raises your motherly red flags for whatever reason.
No.
No, of course you don’t. However, it doesn’t have to be no, forever. You shouldn’t allow them to date until you:
Have a talk with your daughter, and find out how serious she is about dating him.
Have a talk with him, and be blunt about the rumors you’ve heard. Give him an opportunity to respond to them.
Have a talk with his parents, and find out if they know all of what you’ve heard and what their response is to the rumors.
Gather your information, then pray. Ask God for wisdom. He’ll let you know exactly what you should do in this situation. You may find that the communication paves the way for truth which would have otherwise not been discovered.
Well, first of all, thank you so much for writing. I don’t recall ever having a grandma write in before–and I think it’s fantastic that you’re reaching out for help with your teenage granddaughters even though you’re several states away from them.
