Jeannie Campbell, LMFT: On Emotions

Mother-Daughter Conflict

by Jeannie Campbell 

The bond between a mother and daughter is usually tested during the teen years. Dr. Roni Cohen-Sandler, a psychologist and co-author of I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You! A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict, realized that mothers and daughters have three primary complaints about each other. Let’s see if you can relate:

Teen girls take offense to:

1) Moms trying to parent them. (Gee, whiz.)
2) Moms who are overly critical.
3) Moms who are overly demanding.

Moms the world over have the combined perspective that they could do without:

1) Daughters who don’t listen to them.
2) Daughters who make poor choices.
3) Daughters who have no time for them.

How’d you make out? Are you in resounding agreement?

Now that I’ve piqued your interest, how about some suggestions on how to improve how you relate to your teen and reduce tension between you? You better buckle in.

First, you can’t change your daughter, but you can change yourself.

It’s a fallacy to believe that it’s your teen daughter’s responsibility to meet you more than halfway. It’s actually more incumbent upon you as the adult to make the first move.

You can begin to change your reactions and responses to your teen’s behavior.… continue reading

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By Jeannie Campbell

To start out 2012, I have some bad news. More than one-third of you will break your New Year’s resolution before January 2. One-half of you will break it before the week’s end. But this doesn’t have to be the case. Since January 1 is the magical date to “start over” or “wipe the slate clean,” as opposed to any old day being good enough to make a self-improvement, I have a few suggestions for those of us who engage in making resolutions.

1) Make your goals realistic. If you’re completely addicted to Starbucks, live/work three blocks from one, have a friend who works there and gives you freebies, have a tower built out of paper cups in your backyard, or any combination of these, your resolution to abstain completely from Starbucks is likely unfeasible. Just sayin’.

2) Don’t always focus on big goals. Goals don’t always have to consist of the long-range, big-time stuff. The best accomplishments, in fact, could be a series of small, easily achievable goals. But if you only think about the big picture, you could miss this opportunity to triumph!

It’s a great idea to break big goals into smaller ones anyway. That way, you’re not overwhelmed with the idea of having to write a 95,000-word manuscript.… continue reading

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It’s no secret that stress levels escalate during the holidays. It’s such a given that on stress tests, people are given points simply for having gone through any holiday within the past year.

“The holidays are supposed to be a time full of joy and cheer, parties and family gatherings,” says James Radack of the National Mental Health Association. “But many factors help make the holidays so stressful: fatigue, unrealistic expectations, commercialization, financial constraints, and the inability to be with one’s family and friends.”

For some reason, it’s surprising when I tell parents this, but your children definitely pick up on your stress. And for sure, it can stress them out. In one study, parents were sure that children were unaware of the stressors in their lives, but this just isn’t the case.

So how can you minimize the effects of stress in your own life, and thereby lower the anxiety in your child’s? Here are four suggestions you can begin implementing right now to make your holiday season as stress-free as possible.

1) Get practical.

We all have one or two areas that we stress over more than others. More than likely, our anxieties revolve around financial, health-related, or interpersonal concerns.… continue reading

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To say that most teens revolve around their social life is a vast understatement. According to psychologist Erik Erikson’s stages of development, the most important “event” of adolescence (ages 12-18) is social relationships.

But for some teens, social situations and interpersonal interactions strike fear in their hearts. Social phobia is a diagnosable disorder effecting around 7% of teens around the world, and it usually starts around 13 years old.

The main symptoms are as follows:

1) a noticeable and persistent fear of social situations where the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others (can we say high school?)

2) exposure to the situation provokes anxiety, which could lead to a panic attack

3) the person recognizes that the fear is excessive or unreasonable

4) the person avoids the situation or endures it with intense distress

5) the avoidance, anxious anticipation or distress interferes with the person’s normal routine, including school functioning, social activities, and relationships

As you can see, this goes beyond being introverted or shy. When someone is shy, they might regret that they easily blush or prefer to be timid, but it doesn’t interfere with their functioning. They can and do get out in the world.… continue reading

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By Jeannie Campbell, LMFT

Have you ever tried to bring up a conversation with your teen, completely in casual, non-in-your-face mode, only to have them do a mini-freak out and start rattling off excuses?

It’s disconcerting, given that you never accused them of anything.

This interaction happens with defensive teens. It could be that they have been criticized often (either by yourself or someone else) or made to feel that they can’t do anything right. Or they might have perfectionistic tendencies that preclude being wrong about anything or low self-esteem and want to be liked so badly that they feel a need to explain any perceived flaws.

Teens who feel this way have anxiety when talking to people in authority over them.  In order to prevent being attacked, they preemptively lash out. Their self-preservation instinct is strong, and guides them through the day like a compass.  They are always asking the question: Which action/comment will be the safest?

How do you cope with this challenging scenario?

1)   Praise more, criticize less.

Everyone enjoys hearing a job well done. Even if they didn’t make their bed just so, or mow the lawn perfectly, express appreciation for what they did do.… continue reading

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By Jeannie Campbell, LMFT

Frenemy (noun): Someone who is both a friend and a rival.

Having a frenemy isn’t a new concept. According to Wikipedia, the word has been around since 1953.

A frenemy gives backhanded compliments and teases in the one area that emotionally cripples, like making fun of a girl’s weight or single dating status.

Girls appear to be vulnerable to this type of relational bullying/rivalry that comes from a so-called best friend. Boys tend to be more physical in their interactions with rivals or frenemies.

And this doesn’t start in high school. It starts in elementary school.

In 2010, Dr. Michelle Anthony and Dr. Reyna Lindert wrote Little Girls Can Be Mean, a book that addresses this very issue.  The book focuses on girls in Kindergarten through 6^th grade and the friend-slash-bully their own daughters had faced.

Bullying best friends only get worse as time passes. The stakes are higher, as are the social consequences. Many teenage girls have been mistreated for so long that by high school, they succumb to the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness and never imagine they could change their social situation.

So how can you help your teen daughter navigate these rough waters?… continue reading

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Jeannie Campbell, LMFT

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

~ Chinese Proverb

As parents, we want to make the lives of our children easy. We want to minimize their disappointments, hurts, and failures and maximize their opportunities and successes.

But sometimes, in our race to do as much as we can for them out of love, we actually miss the boat.

In my field, this term is called enabling. An enabler is anyone who takes on responsibilities or worries for another person that the person should be doing for him- or herself.

Enabling usually starts innocently. You make your child’s lunch before school, and they come to expect it and even demand it. You wash and fold their laundry way past the appropriate age where they can do it themselves.

From the time our children start to walk, parents are charged to provide them with the knowledge and confidence they need to get through life. And yes, this eventually means to get through life without us.

Our children need to be challenged so that they feel a sense of accomplishment. My four-year-old helps me separate the laundry, and while she’s incapable of lugging the clothes to the washer, I let her help me put in the clothes.… continue reading

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By Jeannie Campbell, LMFT

Have you ever thought that a grateful teenager was an oxymoron?

You’d be in good company if you do.

Teenagers and gratefulness seem diametrically opposed—with actual scientific research to back it up.

Robert Emmons of the University of California ran a study to try to increase gratitude in college students. He had the students keep a “gratitude journal” where they wrote down things they were thankful for everyday.  His study was a success; college students reported overall feeling happier and more grateful.

Researcher Jeffrey Froh from Hofstra University tried to duplicate the study with junior high and high school students. His results? A dismal failure.

Why?

Po Bronson, in his article “Why Counting Blessings is so Hard for Teenagers,” explains it best:

“Parents and teachers need to recognize that being grateful, and being a teenager, are often diametrically opposed. To be a teenager—in the classic sense—means expressing a fundamental desire to individuate from one’s family. This is not unhealthy behavior; it’s completely normal. They are soon to be independent adults, and they need to take themselves for test-drives. Pushing parents away, and wanting things to be none of your business, and exhibiting total ignorance of all you’ve done for them, are all behaviors that conjure independence.… continue reading

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“Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.”

– St. Augustine

~by Jeannie Campbell, LMFT

The Lord made us emotional beings, but in so doing, he didn’t screen certain emotions from our range of experience. Would that he had, right? Most people don’t exactly thank God for giving us jealousy.

But could it be that jealousy has gotten a bad rap?

It seems that jealousy in adolescents is on the rise. A recent study in the journal Developmental Psychology found that intimate friendships in teens are a double-edged sword. On one hand, they foster support, security and a sense of belonging and similarity. On the other, they cultivate feelings of vulnerability, which result in jealousy of and even aggression toward the very people with which our teens are close.

It’s counterintuitive, given that most jealous reactions stem from the perceived threat that the teen is going to lose something or someone. But jealousy can often become destructive, destroying the very connections our children cherish.

And for an interesting aside: girls are more jealous than guys. Girls seem to have a higher standard for loyalty, kindness, empathy and commitment than boys, so they get more jealous when those standards aren’t met.… continue reading

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Teens sometimes get a bad wrap due to the hormonal surges that bring emotional ups and downs. The truth is that most teens navigate the duress and stress of being a teen fairly well with the help of supportive parents and a good peer support network.

But sometimes, more serious emotional problems will persist. Depression is treatable, but experts say only 1 in 5 depressed teens actually receive professional help. As parents, it’s good to know some of the warning signs of depression so that you can best direct and guide your child to get help.

Identity Stage

Teenagers are working through the Identity Stage in psychosocial development. With this stage comes puberty, sexual exploration and discovery, and trying to figure out where and how they fit in. Parental conflict is almost assured as teens start to spread their wings, and this can add to the perfect storm brewing in adolescence.

A depressed teen might not appear all that sad or withdrawn. In fact, in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, experts make a clear distinction that anyone under 18 might be more likely to exhibit irritability, aggression, or even rage. You’ll feel it in your bones when the behavior is more than average teenage “moodiness.”

Of course, your child might be more of a “textbook” definition of depression: sad or melancholy, tearful, withdrawn, restless, or agitated.… continue reading

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If I could pinpoint one thing that gets teens more riled up in my office than anything else, it would be privacy. They want to be behind closed doors, have a personal cell phone call to themselves, and not have their parents checking up on their internet usage.

But how much privacy should a teen get?

The argument that they are still under your care is valid, but that care can and should change the older your child gets. As an infant, there aren’t boundaries between parent and child, but I bet most of us remember the first time our toddler didn’t want to hold our hand to cross the street because she was a “big girl” now.

Healthy boundaries are important. Every child kicks against them, but every child needs to know where the lines are drawn.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: The amount of responsibility and maturity your teen displays should directly correlate with the amount of privacy afforded them.

If you’ve got a teen who is honest, hangs out with who he says he’s going to be with, comes home on time, then you have no reason to be suspicious. Tell him that you trust him because he is behaving so well, that way his privacy becomes a reward instead of a right.… continue reading

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This is a test post. The first post in this column will go live on March 2nd and will post the first Friday of each month.

… continue reading

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